To the narcissist I still love

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

My ultimate prayer for the narcissist. The Ho’oponopono. The Hawaiian blessing. Huge magic. Healing. Loving. Forgiving magic.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I fell in love. I fell in love with someone who pursued me. Who said he loved me.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I was loyal. I was loyal when he said he wanted our relationship to be private. I was loving when he told me our relationship was not a relationship. I was caring when he chose to go into business with his ex. I was compassionate when his step-child tried to harm themselves and he was bereft.

I loved him and believed he would love me again when he continued to have sex with me and the next day tell me he didn’t love me and didn’t like me enough to have a “real” relationship with me. I believed he cared about me because I thought he was the kind of person who would not use me for sex, intimacy, affection, dinners cooked, hours spent, love given, love taken.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I loved him in spite of my friends telling me he was poison. I defended him when they told me he was twisting my words and my intentions. I defended myself when he told me that I was a phony because I was outgoing and bubbly in public, quiet and contemplative in private. I have layers, I said. I cried every time he found another way to pull me back in and turn around and push me back out.

I loved him and asked him why he wanted to keep me a secret… I almost believed that he was really THAT private. I was willing to commit to a future when he was not even willing to openly say that he cared about me. If I asked, “do you still care about me?” he maligned me for having “expectations.”

I was “fine” with taking time to see if anything shifted, grew. I believed he would grow to love me again. I thought he would realize his mistake. Remember how good it felt at the beginning.

I believed in him. Until I didn’t. One day. I just stopped. “Don’t come back with anything less than all of it.” I stopped the day someone asked me what was going on and then I stopped keeping it “private.” I stopped. Thank God. I stopped.

But. I still love him.

He lied to me, to her, to her, to her. He lied… so no one would get hurt… he said. But reality… We all got hurt. Every last one. He said he lied to protect us from getting hurt. He lied, so he would not get found out.

Ouch.

I’m embarrassed now. Because I still love him.

But… I will get over it.

I will get over it.

I … will … get … over … it.

Just watch me.